The Collins & Collins Inquisition
by Writer-in-the-making16
Summary: NOBODY ever expects Mr. Collins!...Part One of the Crackity-Crack Script Series.


Inspired by this ask from LorelaiSquared's tumblr: post/73054432646/did-anyone-else-think-of-the-spanish-inquisition-sketch

I don't have an excuse for this. It was one of those plot bunnies that have to be written to get it out of your system or it'll drive you crazy and keep you up at night. I promise, my next contribution to the fandom will be better.

A shout-out to Mamaleh6994 (The REAL Kelsey Gellar) for letting me feature her in this fic! I apologize if I made you sound ridiculous; that was not my intent. This was simply written for comedic purposes.

Also, for those of you unfamiliar with Monty Python, or "The Spanish Inquisition" sketch that this fic is based off of, check it out on Youtube: watch?v=b_1je7r7RYE

Disclaimer: I don't own, nor am I affiliated with Monty Python. If I did, I'd be some old British guy with a lot more money.

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_**In the early 2010s, to ensure that the rising popularity of the Lizzie Bennet Diaries would not lose its touch, VC Catherine de Bourgh gave Ricky Collins leave to interrupt without hinderance all of Miss Lizzie Bennet's vlogs at any possible moment, in a continuous plot arc of frustration and cluelessness that makes for a hilarious webseries. This became known as The Collins & Collins Inquisition...**_

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Scene - A large fancy office at Pemberley Digital

[Fade in]

[The scene opens upon William Darcy, an 'incredibly-rich-piece-of-man-candy' in his late-twenties, sitting at his desk as he taps away on his laptop in an unassuming manner]

[A knock is heard at the door]

**Darcy**: Come in!

[Lizzie Bennet enters and walks over to Darcy]

**Lizzie**: We got a problem.

**Darcy**: What happened?

**Lizzie**: Rabidfansinmyhouse!

**Darcy**: Pardon?

**Lizzie**: Rabid fans in my house!

**Darcy**: I don't understand what you're saying.

**Lizzie**: A bunch of rabid fans were at my house and started asking me questions about the jump cut in Episode 99, but when I wouldn't give them any information all hell broke loose.

**Darcy**: How did they get into your house?

**Lizzie**: *I* don't know! They just barged in like they owned the place. I wasn't expecting them to pull a Mr. Collins.

[JARRING chord]

[The door flies open and Mr. Collins enters, flanked by two Collins & Collins interns dressed in suits. Kelsey Geller is wearing her own version of Darcy's cowl from the San Francisco photoshoot. Maria Lu is just Maria Lu]

**Collins**: NOBODY expects Mr. Collins! (aside) And associates. Our chief weapon is surprise….surprise and dismay….dismay and surprise….Our two weapons are dismay and surprise!….and aggravating persistence….Our *three* weapons are dismay, surprise, and aggravating persistence….and a near-fanatical devotion to the great Catherine de Bourgh….Our *four*...no…*Amongst* our weapons...Amongst our weaponry...are such elements as dismay, surprise….Perhaps I should come in again.

[The Collins & Collins team exit]

[Lizzie and Darcy exchange perplexed looks of 'Whaaaaaat?']

**Lizzie**: I wasn't expecting them to pull a Mr. Collins.

[JARRING chord]

[Mr. Collins and team burst in]

**Collins**: NOBODY expects Mr. Collins! (aside once again) And associates. Amongst our weaponry are such diverse elements as: dismay, surprise, aggravating persistence, a near-fanatical devotion to the glorious Catherine de Bourgh, and nice charcoal suits-oh drat!

(to Maria) Young Miss Lu, I find I am currently incapable of announcing our decree-you'll have to say it.

**Maria**: What?

**Collins**: You'll have to say the part about 'Our chief weapons are….'

**Maria**: (horrified) I couldn't do that….

[Mr. Collins bundles the interns outside again]

**Lizzie**: (a little more irritated) I wasn't expecting them to pull a Mr. Collins.

[JARRING chord]

[They enter again]

**Maria**: Um...Nobody...um….

**Collins**: Expects…

**Maria**: Expects...Nobody expects Mr….um...Mr. Collins...um…

**Collins**: And associates…

**Maria**: I know, I know! Nobody expects Mr. Collins and associates. In fact, those who do expect-

**Collins**: Our chief weapons are…

**Maria**: Our chief weapons are...um...er…

**Collins**: Surprise…

**Maria**: Surprise and-

**Collins**: Thank you, Miss Lu, that is enough. Phew! Ah...now, our chief weapons are surprise-

**Lizzie**: Ricky-_Mr._ Collins-we get it.

**Darcy**: What is this about Collins?

**Collins**: I am glad you asked Mr. Darcy! Miss Gellar, read the charges!

**Kelsey**: (pulls out legal document) You and Miss Bennet are hereby charged for lack of unnecessary-but-highly-entertaining interrupted moments on behalf of Mr. Collins and the staff of Collins & Collins on diverse dates while filming 'The Lizzie Bennet Diaries.'

**Lizzie/Darcy**: What!?

**Darcy**: This is preposterous!

**Lizzie**: Did you not see the postscript?

**Collins**: That's enough! Now how do you plead?

**Lizzie**: We're innocent.

**Collins**: Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!

**Maria/Kelsey**: Haha! Haha! Hahaha!

[DIABOLICAL LAUGHTER]

**Kelsey**: (to Maria) Why are we laughing diabolically?

**Maria**: I think it's in our contracts.

**Collins**: We will soon change your minds about that!

[ELECTRONIC RINGTONE]

**Collins**: After I take this. (takes cellphone out of jacket) Hello! You've reached Mr. Collins of Collins & Collins-oh, Miss Lu! How absolutely exquisite it is to hear from you again! Although I am delighted you took the time to contact me, I was in the middle of an import-pardon, what was that? (a pause) No Collins & Collins interruptions on Miss Lydia Bennet's videos!? Oh no, that won't do, that won't do at all! I shall retreat immediately over to the Bennet household to fix this most grievous error of web video production….oh, of course! Always one step ahead of the clock Miss Lu!

(pockets phone) We will have to conclude this meeting at another time. Good day Mr. Darcy. Good day Miss Bennet.

[Mr. Collins, Maria, and Kelsey exit]

**Darcy**: That was….

**Lizzie**: Interesting.

**Darcy**: Yes.

[A long pause. Darcy looks over at Lizzie and notices her face is lined in a deep frown]

**Darcy**: What are you thinking?

**Lizzie**: I'm thinking that Charlotte must have developed a sixth sense for Ricky's whereabouts and motives, otherwise she never would have called at this moment and lead him to a house full of rabid fans who are probably dying to know about his fiancée.

[Fade out]

**End**


End file.
